Another

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. This one caught my ear the other day: “I’m not eating apples anymore as they are too labour intensive to prepare for eating.” Wow.

more stupid fucking things my co-workers say

As per my last post, here are some from the last 48 hours:

“Oh, she’s speaking that Hinduuu crap again!” (My East-Indian co-worker was calling her son)

use your legs!

OMG, I just heard my boss say that today “has just had way too much walking in it!”. [She had some meetings today, one three blocks away. She walk there and back! OMG!]

Please note: This is a cancer survivor who smokes. Mmmmm…. Healthy!

The Lift

Though I don’t have any photos of the lifts here, I thought I would discuss my observations about them, or observations about lifts in general really. First of all, I’m a bit disappointed that the ‘lift music’ we hear so much about doesn’t seem to actually exist. I can’t think of one time I’ve been in a lift and heard a MIDI rendition of an obviously well chosen ex top 40 hit from the 90s. I think it would really brighten my day if I could hear a monophonic version of Backstreet Boys’ ‘I Want It That Way,’ or Counting Crows’ ‘Mr Jones.’ They could even have lifts with a sort of juke box so you could choose the song you want to hear. This could be awkward if there are other people in the lift though and you might not hear your song before you get to your floor. You could always stay in the lift until you hear it, though this could result in tardiness, but at least you’ll have heard Dave Matthews Band’s  ’Crash Into Me’ and will be a happy worker for the rest of the day.

The real inspiration for this post however, is something I have noticed since I started working here. I haven’t worked at many jobs that require taking lifts so I’m not a connoisseur as of yet but I do note peoples’ behaviour once inside the lift. One of the most common habits of lift-goers is to press the button for the floor they wish to go to even if the light behind it indicating that it has already been pressed is lit. It’s as if they need reassurance that the lift will in fact stop at their desired floor instead of smugly passing it while the rider stands there in disbelief. Some people even press it twice. It’s similar to pressing buttons at pedestrian crossings multiple times in hopes that the wait time to cross will be shortened. Pressing the button more means more people need to cross and thus, traffic will be halted immediately. “Floor 4 please.” “Ah, we are going to the same place!” “Floor 4 please,” which brings us to the next point.

The time that you spend in the lift should be spent in complete silence. Try not to sneeze or cough and certainly do not speak. It is meant to be awkward so keep it awkward. Have you not noticed that when people do speak, everyone else stares at them in complete shock? Don’t let this be you.

Always remember, be awkward and keep your mouth shut.

Thanksgiving Thursday

It’s Thursday today but it’s not Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is never on a Thursday. The good news is, Monday is a bank holiday and tomorrow is Friday meaning today is Thursday. Therefore, it’s Thanksgiving Thursday. This obviously has nothing to do with office supplies, but it does have to do with the office in that we will be able to avoid having a case of the Mondays but are probably in for a terrible Tuesday.

I watched a film recently in which this guy started a business of videotaping people throwing malfunctioning office machinery over a cliff. Explosion on impact optional. Additional charges apply. I’ve always wanted to see something smash into a million pieces like that. I don’t know why. If I was going to choose something from this office, I would choose the printer/photocopier round the corner. It malfunctions on a daily basis and only prints things when it feels like it.

I just consolidated paper clips into one box!!! If that’s not taking initiative, you tell me what is.

I had a request put in to write a post about an electric pencil sharpener. Unfortunately I don’t have one of these on my desk, nor am I even sure there are pencils in this office. Maybe instead of a Christmas bonus, everyone could get electric pencil sharpeners! And pencils. I don’t have any doubt that if pencils weren’t distributed with the electric pencil sharpeners, people would attempt to sharpen their pens and consequently cause sparks and possibly flames to jump out of the sharpener, resulting in missing eyebrows. I have this image of sparks flying through the office, one after another, like a symphony of sharp light. It’s beautiful.

Johan Vaaler

Since it’s Tuesday, I think we need to pay homage to the paper clip. This has nothing to do with the fact that it’s Tuesday.

Pictured left are the paper clips that sit on my desk each day. Grand & Toy corrugated paper clips #99526, box of 100. They are silver. They hold papers together. Sashy, I admit I am jealous of your pretty coloured paper clips and their respective storage container. What would make me more jealous is if they were lipped. Lipped paper clips are brilliant but I have yet to see them in this country. They make paper clip usage that much easier and in this stressful office environment of paper and meetings, we all need something to help us get through the day like lipped paper clips. Imagine they were coloured and lipped? I can’t even think about this. It just makes me too excited.

I always wonder who invented the paper clip. We all thought that it was a certain Norwegian called Johan Vaaler (1866-1910). Apparently this is not true. Who was it then? I didn’t finish reading the article to find out, although I did find this photo of a giant paper clip in Norway. Guess where I’m going on my next vacation!

Travis (the best band ever) wrote a song called Paperclips. Next time I see them (which is soon!), I’m going to ask if they will write a song called Stapler.

 

A poem:

 

Paper clips,

They are so hip.

Holding paper

Without a stapler.

 

The end.

Gloomy Friday

Okay, I do admit there has been a lack of office supplies on the blog this week for your viewing pleasure. With the frenzy of filing, budget binders and photocopiers that hole punch, it has just been difficult to keep up. And Jonny, well he’s probably off having another exhilerating conversation about tofu, or working.

I spent the morning following directions to kill the environment, one tree at a time. I know people enjoy physical copies of documents, I mean think about it, that dull white paper and midnight black print; I can’t think of anything more exciting. Actually spreadsheets might be the winner here. I could stare at those rows and columns all day long. It’s hours of non-stop fun! Anyway, I’m a bit confused about the whole paperless office environment where there still seem to be entire rainforests worth of paper. I won’t go on about it. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.

I actually really wanted to post about the things I hear in this office, but I’ve been sitting in this area alone for about 3 weeks now so there’s not much conversation going on. All I hear is the quiet hum of fans as I sit under this lovely flourescent lighting. Sometimes I hear people walking by but I can’t see them. This office is a giant labyrinth, minus David Bowie.

It’s Friday afternoon. It’s raining and gloomy outside. The tall tower in the distance, which once used to be the world’s tallest, is fading away in the hazy sky to the point where it has almost become invisible. I like how buildings can just disappear sometimes like that, as if they were never there. My favourite though, is when the fog sits low so you can see bottoms of buildings, and tops seemingly floating in the air with no sign of a middle.  I wonder if the middle has gone off somewhere for a while and will return with unexplained new experiences and Mardi Gras beads.

There is a broccoli elastic on my desk. PLU #4060. When I was a young teenager I knew every fruit and vegetable as a number. I have since then forgotten them all. I think most of them started with 4.

I will be back next week, with tales of staplers, Sello tape and more. Please let me know if there is anything you would like to see posted on here – push pins, paper clips, rulers; you name it.

Happy Friday!

Mitel 5224 IP Phone

This is the phone that sits on my desk. I actually don’t use it much. It has numbers. I listen to voicemail sometimes. It has speakerphone. You can transfer calls but I don’t know how. You probably have to press a series of buttons that doesn’t make any logical sense, like # 4  ** 8 0. Dial 9 to get out. Why 9?! It’s always 9. Can’t we give some of the other numbers a chance? I know 0 and 1 wouldn’t work, and maybe not 4. Or 6. Any of the other ones though. They all long to have the same importance as 9. Or there could just be a button for external calls, instead of 9. You don’t press 9 to get out of your house do you!? Sheesh. What a crazy world that would be. “Yeah, I’ll be down in a sec. I just have to press 9.”

So what makes the Mitel 5224 IP Phone special? Well, it’s a phone. You can talk to people. It has a lot of buttons. What more could you want really? Imagine there were mobile phones like this that you had their own carrying case. You would be the coolest person in town! Move over iPhone, the Mitel 5224 IP Phone is here!

Monday Surprise!

Today I have a special treat for you. After receiving copious amounts of filing last week, I thought I would show you the Amberg sorter in action. So here it is folks! Isn’t it glorious? I could go on but I think the photos speak for themselves.

Respect Your Stapler

Before I get into talk of staplers, let me tell you what a crazy day it has been. Accounting left enough filing to last me for the rest of my life, or at least the rest of the day and well, I couldn’t be more excited about that! Then there was the registered mail episode which ended in a brisk walk to the post office because in the mail room they would only send it via Purolator. Drama! The exciting bit is that I got to leave my desk and go outside into the fresh city air and listen to the lovely sounds of lunch-hour traffic. On the way back I picked up my lunch, a salad full of healthy goodness but this time they added a roll to it that I did not order. Should I be excited about the addition of carbohydrates to my meal, or angry that these carbohydrates have been forced upon me? I’m not one to go round throwing rolls in the bin. I suppose I could have fed it to the pigeons but I only thought of this after it was consumed. As far as the registered mail bit, don’t worry, crisis averted.

I’m really taking away from the talk of the stapler. The Swingline Long-Reach stapler in black and silver. Isn’t this a marvelous piece of office equipment? It sits there all sleek and shiny behind my computer screen. I catch glimpses of it once in a while but for the most part it stays hidden. I haven’t actually used it yet but I can tell that when I do, it’s going to be one fantastic day. If only accounting would bring over some papers to be stapled into a booklet; I long for this day. For now I admire its sheer beauty and hold an upmost respect for it because staplers really do need to be respected. I say this because of something that happened when I was a child. I was stapling some sort of phenomenal piece of artwork to a classroom wall. The stapler turned on me. To this day I will never know why. I guess we just hadn’t gotten to know each other properly yet. It got hold of my thumb, and stapled that thumb right to the wall. Fortunately there are no physical scars from this tragic event, but to this day, I am still trying to cope with the emotional scars it has left behind. Sadly, there are no stapler support groups so this battle is one I have had to deal with on my own.

Respect your stapler.